What's it like to work in a coffee shop?

Now that I'm only at the coffee shop twice a week, the behavior of the customers has become even more puzzling for me. When you are experiencing it 5 days a week, you get used to it. I guess. I thought I should shed some light on these insane freak-shows for the masses to see. If any of these customer reminds you of you, please stop.

First, I will start with the line. That is, the place where I take your order (aka, the place I try not to be). When I'm on the line, I will encounter the following people:

The cell phone talker

That phone call is just too important to pause. So this customer will whisper their order to me, you know, so as not to be rude to the person on the other end. When I have to ask questions (what kind of bagel do you want your idiot sandwich on?), I am the rude one. For interrupting your phone call. This is a problem anywhere you work with the public. And one of the most obnoxious things people do. Listen: you know that thing that is taking your order/ringing up your purchases? That HUMAN SHAPED thing? That's a human! Not a robot! So put the fucking cell phone down.

The starbucks customer

I know there is a starbucks on every corner, but I, thankfully, don't work in one. Some people don't know that coffee shops aren't all interchangeable. When you order a "Venti caramel macchiato" and you're not at starbucks, you are an asshole. Also, a caramel macchiato is stupid. A macchiato is espresso with a dollop of foam. Idiot.

The "I've been in line 10 minutes and haven't looked at the menu yet" customer

WTF were you doing for that 10 minutes? These people drive me crazy. Generally, their back is to me (even though they're next in line) and I have to yell "Can I help you can I help you can I help you" a million times before they look at me. When they finally turn around, they go "Oh, haha! I haven't even LOOKED at the menu yet!" Meanwhile, the line of customers is staring at me while I stare at the person, wondering why I'm not doing anything.

The "Do I have to wait in that line to buy just a..."

I don't know why people think that there are loopholes. I've had people ask me if they have to wait in line to buy the following things: Just a (it always starts out with "Just a") coffee, bagel, bagel sandwich, dozen bagels, latte, pound of coffee. That's basically everything we sell. What do they think the rest of the people are waiting to buy?

Now on to the bagel bar, where I prefer to be. This is where your (and everyone else in Saratoga's) yummy bagel with cream cheese, stupid egg sandwich, or idiot healthy harvest without onions gets made. At record speed. While this is a more desirable location because you don't have to speak with customers as much, generally when you do have to speak with them, it's 5000x's more annoying. I'll tell you why:

The lungers

No matter how many people were in front of them, no matter how many people are gathered around the bagel bar waiting for their bagel, no matter how (not) long ago they ordered, the lungers are convinced that every bagel I put up is theirs. It's really amusing, actually. They grab at it before I call the number, and then back off because it's not theirs. And again when the next one comes up. Lunge, retreat, repeat. Little tip: if your small coffee hasn't been poured yet, your bagel is not ready. I'm a barista, not a magician.

The starers

Probably my #1 most hated thing in all the world. At the coffee shop anyway. These people peer at me over the bagel bar, or sit at the bar and peek over the microwave to watch my every movement. I hate it because it MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE. Who wants to be stared at? It's fucking creepy. Step back and listen for your number, fuckwad.

The starers, but worse

These people take it a step farther by involving themselves in my bageling. "That bagel is supposed to have plain cream cheese! WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THAT PINK CREAM CHEESE ON MY BAGEL??? Oh, that's not mine??? I'm not the only one who ordered an everything bagel? Weird!" or "Is that the sesame with cream cheese, can you add this and this and this?" or "Make sure my poppy bagel gets toasted well but NOT BURNT." I just want to follow these people to their work and critique what they're doing.

The "Hellooooo" people

When did the phrase "excuse me" fall out of style? If you walk up to my bagel bar, cup your hands around your mouth, and yell "Helloooooo" at me, I will glare at you and say "WHAT." If you later choke on your bagel and die, I will say "GOOD."

Is this my bagel?

Oy vey. I have a very serious question. If I did not take your order, and furthermore, have never seen you before in my life, how could I possibly know if this is your bagel? Seriously? People walk up to me all day and say the words "Is this my bagel?" Not even "Is this a plan with plain cream cheese?" just "Is this my bagel?" How the fuck should I know? Here's an even better anecdote from this morning: There is an everything bagel ready to be picked up on the counter, and I place a plain bagel next to it and call out the number, "37 is up!" A guy walks up to the bar, looks back and forth between the everything and the plain for a minute (both of which have their respective numbers, in bold print, directly under the plate within the customers view), and goes, "Which one is 37?" WHAT. Well, you just ordered a plain bagel, and there is one right in front of you face, but 37 is probably that bagel covered with seeds and onions.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. This is certainly enough hatred to get y'all through your week. Perhaps I'll post more types of customers another day.