Is it the weekend yet?

This week is dragging! Since school started, my life has felt like it's going on warp speed-it's midterms time already (thankfully, none of my classes have midterm tests). But this weekend, Dan and I are heading to Burlington to celebrate our 3 year anniversary of being a couple (which was actually last saturday), our 4 year anniversary of living together (this sunday!) and our 1 year anniversary of being engaged (a week from saturday). Apparently, we are at our best in the fall. It looks like it's going to rain at least part of the time we are there, but it's still going to be awesome. I am so excited to get out of town and relax. Anyway, this is why my week is dragging. I thought Tuesday was Thursday, I thought today was Friday, ugh.

What's it like to work in a coffee shop?

Now that I'm only at the coffee shop twice a week, the behavior of the customers has become even more puzzling for me. When you are experiencing it 5 days a week, you get used to it. I guess. I thought I should shed some light on these insane freak-shows for the masses to see. If any of these customer reminds you of you, please stop.

First, I will start with the line. That is, the place where I take your order (aka, the place I try not to be). When I'm on the line, I will encounter the following people:

The cell phone talker

That phone call is just too important to pause. So this customer will whisper their order to me, you know, so as not to be rude to the person on the other end. When I have to ask questions (what kind of bagel do you want your idiot sandwich on?), I am the rude one. For interrupting your phone call. This is a problem anywhere you work with the public. And one of the most obnoxious things people do. Listen: you know that thing that is taking your order/ringing up your purchases? That HUMAN SHAPED thing? That's a human! Not a robot! So put the fucking cell phone down.

The starbucks customer

I know there is a starbucks on every corner, but I, thankfully, don't work in one. Some people don't know that coffee shops aren't all interchangeable. When you order a "Venti caramel macchiato" and you're not at starbucks, you are an asshole. Also, a caramel macchiato is stupid. A macchiato is espresso with a dollop of foam. Idiot.

The "I've been in line 10 minutes and haven't looked at the menu yet" customer

WTF were you doing for that 10 minutes? These people drive me crazy. Generally, their back is to me (even though they're next in line) and I have to yell "Can I help you can I help you can I help you" a million times before they look at me. When they finally turn around, they go "Oh, haha! I haven't even LOOKED at the menu yet!" Meanwhile, the line of customers is staring at me while I stare at the person, wondering why I'm not doing anything.

The "Do I have to wait in that line to buy just a..."

I don't know why people think that there are loopholes. I've had people ask me if they have to wait in line to buy the following things: Just a (it always starts out with "Just a") coffee, bagel, bagel sandwich, dozen bagels, latte, pound of coffee. That's basically everything we sell. What do they think the rest of the people are waiting to buy?

Now on to the bagel bar, where I prefer to be. This is where your (and everyone else in Saratoga's) yummy bagel with cream cheese, stupid egg sandwich, or idiot healthy harvest without onions gets made. At record speed. While this is a more desirable location because you don't have to speak with customers as much, generally when you do have to speak with them, it's 5000x's more annoying. I'll tell you why:

The lungers

No matter how many people were in front of them, no matter how many people are gathered around the bagel bar waiting for their bagel, no matter how (not) long ago they ordered, the lungers are convinced that every bagel I put up is theirs. It's really amusing, actually. They grab at it before I call the number, and then back off because it's not theirs. And again when the next one comes up. Lunge, retreat, repeat. Little tip: if your small coffee hasn't been poured yet, your bagel is not ready. I'm a barista, not a magician.

The starers

Probably my #1 most hated thing in all the world. At the coffee shop anyway. These people peer at me over the bagel bar, or sit at the bar and peek over the microwave to watch my every movement. I hate it because it MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE. Who wants to be stared at? It's fucking creepy. Step back and listen for your number, fuckwad.

The starers, but worse

These people take it a step farther by involving themselves in my bageling. "That bagel is supposed to have plain cream cheese! WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THAT PINK CREAM CHEESE ON MY BAGEL??? Oh, that's not mine??? I'm not the only one who ordered an everything bagel? Weird!" or "Is that the sesame with cream cheese, can you add this and this and this?" or "Make sure my poppy bagel gets toasted well but NOT BURNT." I just want to follow these people to their work and critique what they're doing.

The "Hellooooo" people

When did the phrase "excuse me" fall out of style? If you walk up to my bagel bar, cup your hands around your mouth, and yell "Helloooooo" at me, I will glare at you and say "WHAT." If you later choke on your bagel and die, I will say "GOOD."

Is this my bagel?

Oy vey. I have a very serious question. If I did not take your order, and furthermore, have never seen you before in my life, how could I possibly know if this is your bagel? Seriously? People walk up to me all day and say the words "Is this my bagel?" Not even "Is this a plan with plain cream cheese?" just "Is this my bagel?" How the fuck should I know? Here's an even better anecdote from this morning: There is an everything bagel ready to be picked up on the counter, and I place a plain bagel next to it and call out the number, "37 is up!" A guy walks up to the bar, looks back and forth between the everything and the plain for a minute (both of which have their respective numbers, in bold print, directly under the plate within the customers view), and goes, "Which one is 37?" WHAT. Well, you just ordered a plain bagel, and there is one right in front of you face, but 37 is probably that bagel covered with seeds and onions.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. This is certainly enough hatred to get y'all through your week. Perhaps I'll post more types of customers another day.

Scary!

I rarely have nightmares, or vivid dreams for that matter, but last night I had an awful one! It was super vivid. I dreamed that I was in a building, on the second to top floor, when I noticed it was on fire. There were some people (not sure who) on the top floor, but when I opened the door to the stairway to go warn them to get out, the entire top floor was on fire. I had no choice but to get myself out of there. Of course, the building had tons of levels, and it took forever to get to the bottom floor, and when I got there, my mom and (fictional) little sister were there. They didn't know about the fire, and when I told them, weren't in too much of a hurry to evacuate. Finally, I convinced them to get out, grabbed my computer (I have my priorities, even in dreams!) and we got out. Once outside, it was my parents house on fire. We crossed the street and watched it burn. This is when I woke up, totally disoriented and upset.
I HATE THAT DREAM!

My public speaking experiences so far

Here's a recap of my presentations thus far this semester:

First presentation: Informative speech about the environment in my Public Speaking class last Tuesday. Convinced I was "next up" for the entire three hours, I was in a constant state of panic. Eventually we ran out of time, prolonging the anticipation another week.

Second presentation: An about-me presentation in Spanish class yesterday: I worked tirelessly making an AWESOME power-point and prepared my speech. I was quite excited to do my speech. I get up there, pop in my flash drive, pull up my PowerPoint, and NOTHING IS THERE. It's broken. Nothing we try works. It is saved in the wrong format or corrupted or something. I have to re-do the PowerPoint for class tomorrow. My anticipation is prolonged.

Third presentation: Informative speech, take 2, tonight: I get in front of the class, and while waiting for my professor to set up the camera, entertain my classmates. First, I look into the audience and say "Don't look at me!" then, when a girl asks the teacher if she can do her speech without her shoes on, I say "Do you feet stink?" I then proceed to give my speech at break-neck speed, nearly fainting from lack of breathing. When I'm finished, I proclaim "I NEVER want to get up here again!" and run back to my seat.

Yikes!

an open letter to our new neighbors

Dear New Neighbors,

Oh, hi. We are your neighbors who live diagonally upstairs from you. You don't know us yet, but will soon learn to hate us as much as I already hate you.

In the month that you have lived here, you have talked to Dan four times. You are lucky Dan was home each time, because you would not have wanted to talk to me. He is much more diplomatic than I will ever be.

Why, exactly, do you need the bass to be all the way up? What is stopping you from listening to music like a civilized human? Also, when you cram tons of drunk people into every room of your apartment, and they are all screaming, do you know that it sounds like they are in our apartment?

We have defeated neighbors in the past, and we will crush you, little neighbors, like ants. The landlord is on speed dial, and he is on our side. Trust us.

From your #1 enemies,

Lindsay & Dan

snob

I just created the most kick-ass spanish presentation of all time. Dan is going to have to sit through it when he gets home, despite the fact that he doesn't know Spanish. I am going to get an A+.

I created the awesome visual aid on my new MacBook. This computer is incredible. I've always had PCs and they suuuuck. For instance, when I started them up, they would take a good 5 minutes or more to "warm up" or something before I could even use them. This little guy is ready to go the minute the screen turns on. My old computer was wicked slow and would freeze up constantly. My new Mac is wicked fast and never freezes. Also, it knows Spanish! My old computer was a blur of red spell-check underlines when I did my assignments, this one spell check underlines the English when I type everything else in Spanish. I am endlessly impressed with this little machine. Also, it's small, lightweight, and pretty. Love, love, love. Oh, yeah, and it will speak the words you type in a robot voice, so Dan and I had a lot of fun making the computer say naughty words. We're grown-ups.

Speaking of which, last night was more sex-ed in my health class. Here are a couple of gems from the evening:

My professor's words of wisdom about condoms: "After the guy does his thing, you know...ejaculates-it'sinthebook-don't hang out. Get outta there!"

During a video, a girl said "Is it normal that one of my breasts is bigger than the other?" and the strange, moustached, potentially autistic kid yelled, "WHAT?!"

In another video, a doctor told a teenage boy that he had chlamydia. The boy said "Oh, I must have gotten it from Deena." When Deena appeared on the screen, my professor yelled out "There she is! Dirty Deena."

On a final note, it is unbelievably cold in my apartment. Tonight, I'm making chili, cornbread, and pumpkin pie for dinner!